I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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