I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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