He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
