if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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