just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
