your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Farmville is her only friend.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
