if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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