and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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