i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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