Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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