i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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