I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
