So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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