I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dignity is for republicans.
you had me at cake vodka
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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