Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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