I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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