Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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