New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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