nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
