I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
