my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
