Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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