her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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