I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
