Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Come share oat with me in your robe
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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