Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you will always have a special place in my vag
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
