1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
