sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
