I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
