The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize