i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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