mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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