you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
