The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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