I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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