Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
