You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
