dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
