she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
