Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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