Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
