Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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