So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
