I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
