I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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