According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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