Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
