Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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