i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
