Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
