How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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