her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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