But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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